Crumpets are magnificent. Here are two crumpets:


Have an eye-feast on that!

You see all those holes on top? That’s where all that butter will melt into in all of thirty seconds. So, uh oh, you spread on more and more. But wait a minute, you can’t be in the possession of the dish for longer than one knifeful, you have to pass it. But you also need to get another layer in. So you say ‘Please can you pass the butter again Lord Loverduck’ along with everyone else seated at the table (except Auntie Majorie. She wants the magarine, naturally. Leave her to her own business. It won’t taste the same.)  Then everyone tries to give up the butter dish to someone else in a sort of breakfast-related rugby scrum of politeness until no one takes it. Then you end up actually passing it to yourself because now it’s only just out of reach anyway and do you really mind if you put your entire sleeve in the jam, and so then you put on more.

This is a Rugby scrum:

rugby scrum

You just did that but with condiments.

Disclaimer: I only have a pretty basic knowledge of the complete rules of the game. But I did used to live in Cardiff, which is the capitol of Rugby-related binge drinking (and Wales.)  So I’ve certainly drunk to Rugby, which I think counts. And served drunks at Rugby matches (Drinks! Freudian slip. Obviously.)

And honestly I couldn’t think of a more accurate comparison to group crumpet eating. It is shockingly similar.

Now, you need to get the best goal you can–a try – in crumpet rugby. And it’s no small feat. Because here’s the top secret crumpet intel. They are a holding container for butter. This is the excuse you’ve been waiting for to essentially DRINK melted butter. I know.

This is why crumpets stay at the top of the league tables.

But you’ve got to get the butter fast because if your crumpet gets cold your butter will just lie there on top in a clump and there will be VISIBLE SIGNS OF YOUR BUTTERY SHAME before you bite it. You will see the reality of how much butter you’re about to eat and the game will be up. Your best bet is to go straight to the jam and move on with your life. A cold crumpet isn’t worth writing home about. Or to anyone about. Moving on quickly.

After you bite into it you’re home free. Your crumpet is hot property. Now you’re just dealing with ‘Oh my goodness I think I somehow accidentally put too much butter on this how foolish of me’ as the space from chin to neck becomes a waterfall of cholesterol. But who’s looking at your neck?! (Apart from you, creepy) You’re in the clear. Annnnnd that is a try in Crumpet Rugby my friend.

The other meaning of crumpet.  Quite fun. Get ready.  Although Creepy over there will enjoy it to so watch out. ‘A bit of a crumpet’ means a bit of a fittie. ie ‘Look at that hot piece of crumpet.’ It makes sense because like I said, crumpets need to be hot.

To illustrate my point – quite literally – take a look at this article about a picture of Pippa Middleton’s bottom made entirely out of crumpets:

Here’s the thing. You’re looking at 15,0000 cold crumpets. Almost unthinkable.

And yet, I would venture to say that most people would love to TRY and BUTTER her up.

And that’s my own personal try in Crumpet Rugby related puns. Yes! What is there left to achieve in life?